What excitement! Today, the Dans are joined by their old buddy, now-New York but formerly Chicago comedian Kenny DeForest!
Welcome back, children, for the second installment of Round 1 Action. I would say that we’ve witnessed an amazingly exciting opening to this Sandwich Bracket; we saw a couple of upsets, we saw Friesen Point Bracketing’s first ever complete shut-out, and we saw absolute evidence that I am completely impartial and not cheating at all.
Ham def. Banh Mi
Turkey def. Egg Salad (the Shut Out)
Breakfast Sandwich def. Patty Melt
Gyro def. Meatball (Proof I don’t cheat)
If there ever were a moment where I would cheat, it’s when my favorite sandwich of all time, The Mighty Meatball, is down by two votes, and I am in charge of tallying the votes. I could have cheated so easily. It would have been nothing to me to pretend that a couple people voted on Twitter, so it appears that Gyro won, but it was really a bit Meatball day. I don’t play that shit; these Brackets are sacred.
Also, don’t let yourself be caught sleeping. I am releasing these match-ups a week after the last ones, but that’s only because I was profoundly sick for most of last week, and I just wasn’t up for doing anything. I’m nice and healthy now, so expect more frequent updates so we can get through all these first round matches and get to the real serious bickering.
Speaking of bickering, lets get down to business…
Holy shit folks! It’s finally here: the end of college basketball ruining all my bracketing fun! Now that all those Johnny-Bracket-Lately’s are gone and back to their…well…whatever it is that they do the rest of the year, I’m free to go back to my bracketing of nonsensical things.
And this time, it’s sandwiches. A couple of things to address up top:
I think that’s plenty of preamble. Now, let’s get down to some hot sandwich action!
We’re back, and by “we,” I mean myself and my official new co-host Dan Drees! This week, we’re joined by acclaimed comedian Michael Timlin for a wonderful chat. Many apologies for being gone so long. We’re back on solid footing now, and we won’t leave you like that again.
My life has taken a very bizarre turn in the last week. No, I haven’t sworn off meat or become a Hare Krishna (but don’t count that last one out; I’m totally into chanting and hanging out in airports).
What’s happened is that I have gone back to OkCupid. As close followers of my adventures know, I was formerly on OKC, hoping to find a partner, as more of my friends than they would like to admit have done. I took it seriously for a while, but I grew tired with it incredibly fast and left the site out of abject boredom.
You know how it goes, though. Months pass, boredom remains and before you know it, you’re right back at the dating site, telling yourself that you’re just there kill time. That’s where I was, when I received a very interesting email from the OKCupid people.
I thought it over and decided, while it’s probably not a compliment that a dating site has deemed me as someone they can incorporate into “long-time plans” and trust with responsibilities, that this was an offer I couldn’t pass up. I accepted, and got started on my new adventure as a dating site moderator.
For a long time, I’ve heard horror stories from female friends about insane messages people have sent them, and to be honest, I was kind of looking forward to being the one who would deal with these dudes and ban them from the site. I imagined myself being some kind of a hero, standing up for chivalry and decency.
Let me tell you, the reality has been quite different. The reality has just been me sitting around clicking a “Remove Picture” button as I watch a parade of pictures of people’s actual pets and hypothetical cars and boats fly by. Apparently, posting pictures of things that are not you is against the rules, and moderation for the site is largely discerning whether or not a picture is of the person who’s claiming it’s them. This is not the wild, heroic Knight-Errant type of adventure I thought I was signing up for.
Sincerely, most of what I’ve taken away from this experience is that there are a lot of snitches out there. For a picture to end up in this moderation queue, some normal citizen has to have seen this picture, been peeved that it didn’t follow the code of order, and decided to flag it.
It turns out that, from everything I can tell, “the dark recesses of online dating” is the realization that there are a ton of people out there who actually are pissed off that some girl has a picture of her dog on her account, when THE RULES CLEARLY STATE NO PET PICS!
Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn, indeed.
Long-Time Friesen Pointers know that The Definitive Top Six List is a classic piece from all formats that this creative output has taken on. Some people argue that the list is a completely fucked out form for writing to take, and to that I would posit that I am breaking new ground by specifically not doing a Top Five or Top Ten list. I’m edgy! I’m doing Sixes!
Also, what differentiates everyone else’s lists from mine are that mine are literally and indisputably accurate. Anyone is welcome to argue any of the entries on any of these lists, but they should do so with absolute foreknowledge that they are wrong.
Anyway, I’ve missed expressing myself through lists, so I’ve decided to bring the bit back with a topic very near and dear to my heart: my own thoughts.
I grant that none of you out there particularly care what’s going on in my life. Literally no one has any interest in someone else writing a self-indulgent blog about the drab day-to-day of their slog toward death. And I’d never want to put you through that. And I won’t.
However, since it’s been a while, I thought a few catch-up bullet points were in order.
I’m looking forward to all this, particularly the Sandwich Bracket. There’s no way this one’s going to run out of steam. However, there may be some steamed buns. Speaking of steamed buns, I’m off to the sauna. Talk to you soon!