Children, we’ve come down to that point that is always so exciting in the college basketball bracket: the Final Four, or in our case, the Foodstuff Four. Excitement! Food! Bickering!
I know many of you have likely been complaining, “hey Dan, it’s been a long time since you’ve posted some match-ups for the tournament. Kind of a dick move on your part.” You’re not totally wrong, and I’m sorry. I’ve been incredibly busy lately. There have been a lot of shows and a lot of “having a day job.” That combo can really take it out of a man and make it hard to concentrate on Side Dishes.
Honestly, I have to tell you all something. I have been busy, that is true, but there’s a second reason that it took me so long to get to this round, which we will get to right after the jump…
It’s Monday, and today I sit down with one of the comics behind the great live show/podcast Arguments and Grievances, Kevin Brody. We get have a great conversation about all sorts of things, but mostly how we both have an unhealthy level of knowledge about 90′s music. Also, to hear the amazing song from Sexy Wives Sinsations referenced in the episode, click here.
Ladies and gentlemen, yesterday we saw just how ugly bracketing can get. We saw rebels rising up and trying to bring about complete anarchy. We saw people I have no choice but to label “terrorists” attempting to redefine the parameters of what the Selection Committee declared a Bean. It was looking pretty tough, and I wasn’t sure if we were going to make it through.
Thankfully, in the end, calmer heads prevailed. Votes were cast. Reasons were given for Seasons. Fries pulled a Michael Flatley on Beans’ dick. Interestingly, Fries will move on to face Non-Fry Potatoes in the next round. T’will be brother against brother.
But that’s a matter for another day. Today, we have to finish out the last round of the Cold Division. I expect this one will either a) be entirely one-sided, or b) spark another mini-Populist revolution. Only time will tell which way the Cookie’s gonna crumble, so let’s get into it.
Children, the energy in the air is palpable. Anticipation is high, and why the hell shouldn’t it be? We’ve come to that moment that we’ve all been waiting for: today and tomorrow, we are going to be dealing with the #1 vs. #8 Battles in the Hot and Cold Divisions in this Side Dish Bracket.
I’m sure I’m not alone in that I’m incredibly excited to see the clear front-runners beat the holy shit out of Side Dishes that barely made it into the tournament to begin with.
Today, we’re starting with the Hot Division, in which it’s safe to say that we all know exactly what the #1 seed is going to be. But that leaves some intrigue. Well, one bit of intrigue, namely the intrigue of what the #8 seed is.
Oh, and Potato Salad embarrassed Cole Slaw in that last match-up. Not a lot to comment on, really. Just an old fashioned ass-whipping.
Folks, for the first time in the bracket, one of my darlings went down. As much as I would have loved to somehow rig things and come up with some loop hole to save my beloved Rice, that would be an offense to the purity of the turf, and there will be none of that sort of oompus-bumpus around here.
And you know what? Now seems like a good time for an educational moment about how fair I am as a member of the Selection Committee. Could I have deleted a couple comments voting for Soup? I absolutely could have, and Lord knows I wanted to, but I didn’t, because I have morals.
Now, with any luck, that rant will reassure everyone of my integrity and keep anyone from asking too many questions when I invariably do rig something later on. Absolute power corrupts absolutely, and I gotta tell you, there’s a lot of push-overs on this Selection Committee.
But that’s not either here nor there, at least not for our business today. Right now, it’s time to jump back to the Cold Division and bicker about a heated #4 vs #5 battle. Let’s do this!