Holy shit, children. That’s right: by popular demand, the brackets are back here at Friesen Point. As it turns out, what people like most about me and my comedy is when I nitpick and get way too invested, bickering about things that ultimately don’t matter.
It’s always been my ethic to give my audience what they want, nay what they need, so in that spirit, I’m excited to announce the beginning of the very exciting, 16-seed World’s Best Side Dish Bracket.
The field is broken down into two eight-member divisions: Cold Side Dishes and Hot Side Dishes. Here’s how this is going to work. I will present new match-ups on a very frequent basis, and it is your responsibility to get into the comment section to let your voice be heard. I want this to descend into utterly chaotic, yet respectful, arguing.
Let passions flare! Let opinions be aggressively expressed! Let the milquetoast bullshit stop immediately, because the Side Dish Bracket starts now!
Oh man. It doesn’t get much more exciting than that for an opening match up. One of our entrants requires silverware, the other doesn’t. One requires a dipping sauce, the other could be used as a dipping sauce by someone with a real serious indulgent streak (read: me)
Before we all make up our minds, let’s take a little closer look at our competitors.
Mac and Cheese (2)
Did you know that Mac and Cheese was introduced to America by President Thomas Jefferson? That’s pretty cool stuff. I mean, it doesn’t make up for him fathering children with his slaves (or owning slaves to begin with), but it’s a little something.
- Crazy versatility. You can put chili in it, now you’ve got Chili Mac. You throw some bread crumbs on top and toss it in the oven, now you’ve got a baked pasta dish. You can put it on pizza, in grilled cheese sandwiches, or fuck around a deep fry it into handy little bites.
- Closely associated with BBQ and southern food in general, which is pretty great cuisine. If you’re having a side of Mac and Cheese, odds are you’re also having a solid entree.
- Very simple to make at home. Now, you can even buy packages that include everything. No need to add butter or anything.
- It is very easy to eat way, way too much Mac and Cheese, and when you do, you find that the flavor and texture of it is kind of one note.
- Lot of carbs. But then again, that’s going to be a concern for most of the entrants into this bracket.
- It feels kind of childish to order Mac and Cheese in public. I would have a tough time asking for a side of Mac from an attractive waitress.
Onion Rings (7)
Thomas Jefferson had nothing to do with the popularization of the Onion Ring, mostly due to him being long dead by the time rings ever came around.
Interestingly, the invention of the Onion Ring is the story of corporate hucksterism, with Crisco inventing the dish as a means to get consumers to buy more of their lard. It goes to show; sometimes sneaky intentions can lead to something that’s good for humanity. That’s right; I’m arguing that Onion Rings are good for humanity.
- Rings have a great texture. A nice crunch on the outside accompanied by a nice tender inside.
- The onion has a little bit more of a personality than potato, so does a real good job of breaking up the monotony of living in the world of deep fried sides.
- You run the risk of the batter coming off mid-bite, leaving you with naked onion innards. I find that kind of thing to be a hassle, and unappealing.
- The ring shape doesn’t make for an ideal first dip. Sometimes if you’re not careful, you’ll end up getting dipping sauce on your cheeks, or in my case, my beard. If there’s one thing I’ve got no time for, it’s ketchup in my beard. That, and jokes about celebrities dying.
What’s it going to be, folks? Who’s advancing to the next round? Mighty Mac and Cheese or Orgiastic Onion Rings? Take to the comment section to help decide.