Children, what excitement! I couldn’t be happier with the response we’re getting so far over here at Bracket HQ. People are voting, we’re all bickering about nonsense, and Mac and Cheese beat Onion Rings in an absolute nail-biter. Seriously, it came down to one vote. How much better could this get?
Let’s find out as today, we check in with the Cold Side Dish Division, very much the underdog of this tournament. It’s February, and I’m in Chicago, so I have very little interest in anything cold, and I don’t think I’m alone in that opinion.
Whoever makes it out of the Cold Division is going to have to take that as a victory in and of itself, because it’s not looking all too likely that anything on this side could beat anything in the Hot Division. That may be true, or I might be biased because four days in the past month have brought with them windchills under -25. Fuck everything cold.
On that note, onward to the Cold Division:
Chips and Salsa, etc. (2)
In terms of this bracket, we’re opening this entry up to all sorts of dip that go along with Chips, but primarily, we’re seeing this as corn chips. This is mostly due to it being incredibly rare to be out at a restaurant and get a side of Wavy Lays Avec Some Kind of Creamy Onion Dip.
I would say this includes the worlds of salsa, guacamole, sour cream or hummus even, but make no mistake, this is not Nachos. The selection committee voted on the matter and decided that Nachos are too substantial to be an Appetizer/Side Dish. This is neither the first nor the last time this distinction will rear its ugly head.
- Guys. Salsa is so great. It’s spicy and kind of crunchy, and for the most part, it’s really heathy. You get yourself some pretty fresh salsa, and you’ve basically got yourself a Spicy Salad Dip.
- Whenever I tell someone that I think I’m allergic to avocados, the first thing they say is “oh fuck, you can’t eat guacamole? That sucks.” This leads me to believe that guac is a pretty tasty item. I’d love to eat some, but what I’d love more is not throwing up violently, which is what I’ve done the last times I’ve eaten avocados.
- This is really kind of one of the least special sides imaginable. You get it for free at most Mexican joints. That which comes so easily can never really be truly appreciated.
- Sour Cream, even just as an idea, has always seemed nauseating to me. Dairy is not supposed to be sour, that is a sign that it’s turned, but yet Sour Cream has the balls to put Sour right in its name. I give points for chutzpah, but I still don’t want to eat it.
Fruit Salad (7)
It’s like a regular salad but you replace the lettuce with grapes and the tomatoes with strawberries. I know, I find it pretty boring too.
I should be totally clear: when we’re talking about Fruit Salad, we’re mostly talking about weird mixed Fruits, and things like a Fruit Cocktail. We are explicitly not talking about a Waldorf Salad, because a Waldorf Salad is the worst thing ever imagined. Apples, celery, and walnuts, covered in mayonaisse? That is no salad; that is a prank.
- People tell me that Fruit is really good for you.
- Not a Waldorf.
- Fruit is high in sugar even when you don’t factor in the sugary syrup or marshmallows they use to trick you into eating this Salad. That kind of undoes the healthy argument. Then again, a lot of people say that Fruit includes “the good kind of sugar,” but I have no idea what that means. I didn’t study Dietetics in college. I was too busy eating garbage and chugging booze.
- I may not have done a completely thorough investigation on the matter, but my feeling is that Fruit Salad very often involves Kiwi, a Fruit that I’ve decided is shifty and untrustworthy. If Kiwi was any good, why does it only show up in Fruit Salad and playing second fiddle for Strawberry flavored drinks?
- Fruit Salad doesn’t have many friends, which is to say, it doesn’t seem like it would match up well with very many entrees.
What’s it going to be, folks? Who’s going to advance: the Mexican Restaurant Medley or the Festival of Fruit? Only you can decide.