Side Dish Bracket: Hot Division Part 4

Children, the energy in the air is palpable. Anticipation is high, and why the hell shouldn’t it be? We’ve come to that moment that we’ve all been waiting for: today and tomorrow, we are going to be dealing with the #1 vs. #8 Battles in the Hot and Cold Divisions in this Side Dish Bracket.

I’m sure I’m not alone in that I’m incredibly excited to see the clear front-runners beat the holy shit out of Side Dishes that barely made it into the tournament to begin with.

Today, we’re starting with the Hot Division, in which it’s safe to say that we all know exactly what the #1 seed is going to be. But that leaves some intrigue. Well, one bit of intrigue, namely the intrigue of what the #8 seed is.

Oh, and Potato Salad embarrassed Cole Slaw in that last match-up. Not a lot to comment on, really. Just an old fashioned ass-whipping.

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Fries (1)

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We all knew these scrappy local favorites were going to be the #1 seed. There was never really any doubt, and the reason is simple.

It all comes down to brain-washing. Growing up in America, we are subconsciously trained that the Almighty Potato is king, and that chopped up and deep-fried is its best presentation. This conspiracy is far to intricate for me to get into now, but rest assured that it goes real deep. Like Chinese economy, Koch Brothers, Fiscal Cliff deep.

But, all that nonsense isn’t necessarily the Potato’s fault. It’s up to each human how they will use a Potato.


  • Come on. Standard Fries, Curly Fries, Waffle Fries, Thick Cut, Thin Cut, Cheese Fries, Chili Cheese Fries, Tots.
  • You can’t spell Friesen Point without Fries.


  • There is no Indie Cred in voting for Fries. It’s not an Alternative move, folks.
  • Cheese Fries and Chili Fries start out great, but get soggy pretty quickly, and as that happens, quality drops real precipitously. I’m not in the business of eating Fries with a fork.
  • Thick Fries suck.
  • Fries themselves, and the foods that they are typically paired with, are pretty unhealthy. If we’re talking about Sides you can eat and feel good about yourself after, Fries aren’t probably going to be what you choose.

Bean Stuff (8)

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It’s entirely possible that the Selection Committee did a shit job of naming this contestant in the Bracket, but even if that’s the case, it hardly matters. No matter who ended up in this #8 spot, they had little to now chance of topping Fries. The only thing that’s going to be topping Fries is melted cheese.

Alright, that last sentence may have revealed a slight bias that borders on resignation toward Bean Stuff, and that’s not entirely fair. Let me get my head straight and attempt to be balanced.


  • This category includes all manner of Bean. We’re talking Green Beans (Bacon wrapping optional), we’re talking Boston Baked, we’re talking Refried. There’s some range there.
  • I’m even going to throw Edamame in the mix, being as it’s Bean Based. And, to make this interesting, I’m going to say that any Soybean-Based Side is in on the action.
  • And because I’m a fan of being really literal, I’m going to say that Hummus is included in this category. Hummus, as you know is made of Chickpeas, which are technically a legume. Hopefully, that makes this at least a little interesting.
  • They’re good for your heart.


  • The more you eat, the more you fart.
  • Not that Fries are the sexiest thing in the world, but the prospect of getting, let’s say, a Burger with a Side of Beans is incredibly boring. I guess I’ve always found vegetables pretty boring. I submit that if you’re fascinated by veg, you’re not one of my kind.

And there you have it. What once appeared to be an obvious one-sided horrible contest now looks like there may be a little more juice in it. More bean juice, that is.

So, what’s it going to be? Who’s moving on: Family Friendly Fries, or Butt-Banging Beans? Only you, and your Reasoning/Seasoning can decide. Get to voting!

27 thoughts on “Side Dish Bracket: Hot Division Part 4”

  1. Let’s pretend this isn’t a democracy. Let’s play anarchy. I vote green beans, i’m including asparagus. Let us be a bunch of omnivores. Fries are awesome but lets do this. Team Greens and beans son. 1 – 0 greens and beans

    1. I defend everything you’re saying here, but it’s a dangerous precedent to include Asparagus in a category that clearly does not include Asparagus. You’re opening up the door to someone just claiming, for no reason, that the Fries category includes Mini-Steaks. Honestly, I’m really tired, and couldn’t come up with a good example, but the fact remains that you’re introducing some tricky logic.

    1. This, to me, does not appear to be a vote. On the one hand, it can’t possibly be a vote for Fries, seeing as it never mentions Fries. At the same time, it doesn’t seem like a full-on vote for Beans, seeing as it never really comes out and explicitly says it is such. I’m so confused.

      I’ll consider this a tie-breaker, it if comes to that.

    1. Let this be a lesson to all the hooligans and would be trouble-makers out there: the forces of Order will always outnumber you. Your piddly bullshit on the side of Beans has amounted to nothing.

  2. First of all, the first con under beans is actually a pro.

    Second, fries.

    (you could a whole tournament just on the sub-groups Beans or Fries. These are both vast subjects and worthy of further study/arguing.)

    1. It sounds like you would be fine with a dedicated Beasn/Fries bracket, but that you’ve already made up your mind that half of that bracket would be completely irrelevant, and inferior to the other half.

      1. Now now. Put down your exaggeration knife. I didn’t say beans (or as you call them “beasn”) would be completely irrelevant. In fact, given a choice for a meal, I’d probably prefer beans over fries (I’m trying to lose weight so I can have sex out of my league) but fries are a better side, taste/fun/pleasure/salt-wise. I meant that FRIES could be it’s own bracket (curly, seasoned, shoestring, waffle, steak, house, etc) and Beans could be as well (baked, green, soy, edamame, jumping, etc.)

  3. Fries. Can’t argue with the masses on this one. Throw some cheese, bacon, chives on them you got yourself a winner. Not to mention curly, waffle, seasoned, sweet potato, or the underrated tater tot.

    RIP baked beans. You will be missed.

  4. I’d fucks with all these anarchy cats, but nothing must be allowed to endanger curly fries. If rice can’t win this whole thing, fries had better.

  5. I am amazed the this is even an argument! Anyone who votes for beans is being contradictory for contradictory’s sake or a “hippie” . Fried. Salty. Crunchy. Satisfying. FRIES! Fry them in peanut oil, vegetable oil, duck fat, or beef tallow everyone loves them! Ah, screw this! Action speaks louder than words. I’m going to McDonalds and then beat up a Whole Foods worker!

  6. Fries, there is no argument. The only thing that I’d like to argue about is Dan’s tearing down of thick cut fries. Thick cut steak fries are outstanding. Gimme a nice girthy fry, none of those skinny bullshit steak and shake diet fries.

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