Children, the energy in the air is palpable. Anticipation is high, and why the hell shouldn’t it be? We’ve come to that moment that we’ve all been waiting for: today and tomorrow, we are going to be dealing with the #1 vs. #8 Battles in the Hot and Cold Divisions in this Side Dish Bracket.
I’m sure I’m not alone in that I’m incredibly excited to see the clear front-runners beat the holy shit out of Side Dishes that barely made it into the tournament to begin with.
Today, we’re starting with the Hot Division, in which it’s safe to say that we all know exactly what the #1 seed is going to be. But that leaves some intrigue. Well, one bit of intrigue, namely the intrigue of what the #8 seed is.
Oh, and Potato Salad embarrassed Cole Slaw in that last match-up. Not a lot to comment on, really. Just an old fashioned ass-whipping.
We all knew these scrappy local favorites were going to be the #1 seed. There was never really any doubt, and the reason is simple.
It all comes down to brain-washing. Growing up in America, we are subconsciously trained that the Almighty Potato is king, and that chopped up and deep-fried is its best presentation. This conspiracy is far to intricate for me to get into now, but rest assured that it goes real deep. Like Chinese economy, Koch Brothers, Fiscal Cliff deep.
But, all that nonsense isn’t necessarily the Potato’s fault. It’s up to each human how they will use a Potato.
- Come on. Standard Fries, Curly Fries, Waffle Fries, Thick Cut, Thin Cut, Cheese Fries, Chili Cheese Fries, Tots.
- You can’t spell Friesen Point without Fries.
- There is no Indie Cred in voting for Fries. It’s not an Alternative move, folks.
- Cheese Fries and Chili Fries start out great, but get soggy pretty quickly, and as that happens, quality drops real precipitously. I’m not in the business of eating Fries with a fork.
- Thick Fries suck.
- Fries themselves, and the foods that they are typically paired with, are pretty unhealthy. If we’re talking about Sides you can eat and feel good about yourself after, Fries aren’t probably going to be what you choose.
Bean Stuff (8)
It’s entirely possible that the Selection Committee did a shit job of naming this contestant in the Bracket, but even if that’s the case, it hardly matters. No matter who ended up in this #8 spot, they had little to now chance of topping Fries. The only thing that’s going to be topping Fries is melted cheese.
Alright, that last sentence may have revealed a slight bias that borders on resignation toward Bean Stuff, and that’s not entirely fair. Let me get my head straight and attempt to be balanced.
- This category includes all manner of Bean. We’re talking Green Beans (Bacon wrapping optional), we’re talking Boston Baked, we’re talking Refried. There’s some range there.
- I’m even going to throw Edamame in the mix, being as it’s Bean Based. And, to make this interesting, I’m going to say that any Soybean-Based Side is in on the action.
- And because I’m a fan of being really literal, I’m going to say that Hummus is included in this category. Hummus, as you know is made of Chickpeas, which are technically a legume. Hopefully, that makes this at least a little interesting.
- They’re good for your heart.
- The more you eat, the more you fart.
- Not that Fries are the sexiest thing in the world, but the prospect of getting, let’s say, a Burger with a Side of Beans is incredibly boring. I guess I’ve always found vegetables pretty boring. I submit that if you’re fascinated by veg, you’re not one of my kind.
And there you have it. What once appeared to be an obvious one-sided horrible contest now looks like there may be a little more juice in it. More bean juice, that is.
So, what’s it going to be? Who’s moving on: Family Friendly Fries, or Butt-Banging Beans? Only you, and your Reasoning/Seasoning can decide. Get to voting!