Side Dish Bracket: The Foodstuff Four!

Children, we’ve come down to that point that is always so exciting in the college basketball bracket: the Final Four, or in our case, the Foodstuff Four. Excitement! Food! Bickering!

I know many of you have likely been complaining, “hey Dan, it’s been a long time since you’ve posted some match-ups for the tournament. Kind of a dick move on your part.” You’re not totally wrong, and I’m sorry. I’ve been incredibly busy lately. There have been a lot of shows and a lot of “having a day job.” That combo can really take it out of a man and make it hard to concentrate on Side Dishes.

Honestly, I have to tell you all something. I have been busy, that is true, but there’s a second reason that it took me so long to get to this round, which we will get to right after the jump…

Look at this boring shit.

 photo Foodlike4_zpsb5549bde.jpg
Both the Hot and Cold Divisions come down to #1 vs #2. No meaningful upsets in sight, no insane wildcards, just traditionally strong Side Dishes that have good high school recruitment programs.

Now, a more boastful man might argue that this is literally proof that the Selection Committee knocked it out of the park with their seeding of the tournament. He might do that, but I won’t, because I like the crazy shit!

I wanted to see Bean Stuff coming out of the #8 hole and making it all the way to the Foodstuff Four. I wanted to see the noble Mashed Tater take out his popular, much better liked, much cooler brother, Fries. I wanted to see Ron White put a hurting on Chips and Dips (as I’m sure he has before).

But none of those things happened. And here we are. If I didn’t care so much about the Purity Of The Turf, I would just right now throw out an impromptu “Play In To The Championship Round Match” between Fried Pickles and Fried Ravioli. I’m really tempted to do that, just to mix this damn thing up.

There’s no reason to lose heart, we still have two matches and a championship to argue about, and that’s some exciting business.

So, on that note, let’s get to voting. Fries v. Mac and Cheese, and Salad Bar v. Chips and Salsa. And as always, throw some Seasoning on that Reasoning. Let’s do this, people.

 

18 thoughts on “Side Dish Bracket: The Foodstuff Four!”

  1. No dilly dallying when it comes to the final four. The choices are clear as Krystal Lafianza Pitzen.

    Salad Bar: The salad bar is a metaphor for representative democracy. Choice, my friends. Choice.

    Fries—Fries are the quintessential American food. A vote against fries is a vote against the armed forces who die to protect our freedom.

    See you in the finals

    1. You know you’re up there on my list of people, but I oppose this jingoism in your defense of Fries. I think it’s tacky, and I may not count your vote, on the grounds of trying to start a nationalistic riot.

  2. My reasoning thus far has been predicated on what my side dish would be with my favorite meal, which is a medium rare sirloin. Mac and Cheese and Salad pairs way better than fries and chips and dip.

    M&C and Salad get my votes.

  3. How about some Tommy Mac n Cheese am I right? He’s so funny. But seriously folks, Mac n cheese!!! Even shitty Mac n cheese is still pretty good. I’d argue that over pizza always being good. I’m stretching to think of a time I had shitty Mac n cheese and I can’t come up with one. Now shitty fries? I’ve had plenty of those. Let’s start with mr. G’s beef (currently with an eviction notice on their door), their fries are just plain awful. That place Marble. I was actually angry when I tried their fries. The only fry that could rival Mac n cheese are cheese fries from Portillos.

    Salad bar v. C&S is a tough choice. I feel that I like wasting time eating chips but who doesn’t love wasting time? There are some pretty groovy salad bars, I’m lookin at you Ruby Tuesdays! Plus salad bars often have rolls! And wasn’t that another category. Salad bars wins for me.

  4. I picked chips and salsa to come out of the cold division all season long, and I’m not backing down from that now.

    Fries has curly fries and tater tots on it’s squad, very Hakeem and Ralph Sampson, and not a Patrick Ewing in sight.

    I get the feeling that I won’t get the chance to make my final pick when the all chalk final arrives, so I’ll say it right here. My original bracket would have had rice (as I’ve said before, the odds-on favorite to win this entire tournament) losing to Chips and Salsa in the final, and twin towers notwithstanding, I don’t think fries has half the squad that rice puts on the table every night, so until I’m forced to take salad to play spoiler, I still have Chips and Salsa cutting down the nets.

  5. I can’t say I’m not upset here.

    Fuck you forever, salad bar. Goddammit…I can’t even…there are fucking STALE BREAD PIECES AT YOUR BAR OF BULLSHIT AND I CAN’T THINK OF A SALAD I WOULDN’T BE MORE INCLINED TO EAT IF CROUTONS WERE INVOLVED SOMEHOW, YOU BULLSHIT ASSHAT VEGETABLE SHREDDED CARROTS AND CHEESE HAVING SIDE DISH FUCK. FUCK.

    But, alas, what’s done is done.

    I’d probably take a salad bar over chips and dip simply because it’s more versatile…but you can suck a fat hard-boiled egg, salad bar. My vengeance vote goes to chips and dip…even though I’m convinced doing so will destroy my sweet sweet fry dreams in the final round.

    Also, yes, fries. Mac and cheese is amazing…and it’s hard to shit on em…but fries. Fries now…fries later…fries forever.

    One last thing, if I may:

    I’ve enjoyed a salad bar before…but my mother loves the Food Network, and more often than not the times in which we’ve bonded have been over a program on that particular station. In all those years, through all those episodes of Barefoot Contessa, Good Eats, Iron Chef, 30 Minute Meals, and even the illustrious Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives…in all those years I can never ONCE remember anyone getting even marginally excited about a fucking salad…let alone visit a salad bar. Now, you may be thinking…”Kevin, those are terrible shows for very sad people…who cares?”–and maybe you’re not wrong. But is America not a sad place? Are our citizens not sad people? Do our obesity rates not reflect the fact that clearly most of us are skipping salad? How dare you, salad bar. You’re a fraud. Salad bar…I knew bread…I worked with bread…and you sir…you’re no bread. You should be ashamed of yourself.

  6. Chips and salsa squeaks by salad bar for me, but both would be deserving of a spot in the championship round. Fries over mac and cheese is a relatively easy choice. I think fries moving on sets up a more exciting finals.

  7. I feel compelled to responded to this bracket despite being late to the party… It is clear in my mind that the really strong side dishes have already been dumped out by lesser competitors. How rice didn’t make it at least make it through the first round is beyond me.

    That being said the foodstuff four should be addressed. Salad bar making it this far is a travesty. If I’m going to buy dinner I’m not going to buy salad, it’s not even on my radar. Don’t get me wrong if there’s a great deal on a salad bar I’m not going to say no, but I would never go out and pick it off a menu without a seriously good deal. Chips and dips on the other hand…while I disagree with the notion that it is a side….are much more satisfying. When ordering a side I will almost always share it with who ever I am with, and C&d are far superior for sharing. So my vote is for C&D.

    Fries vs M&C is a tougher decision.. but I just can’t vote for something that knocked out my beloved mashed potatoes… And anything with cheese has an unfair advantage. I also feel that if I’m ordering fries I expect them to come with my meal rather than ordering separately (therefore not a true side) and that also works against them. Therefore M&C takes the victory.

    1. Somehow, it doesn’t surprise me that Mr. T is opposed to ordering a Salad. You’ve always struck me as a Meat and P type of man. Also, thank you for lending this bracket a little bit of celebrity credibility with your participation.

  8. this is the best thing on the internet right now. having a great time reading. i’m glad i get to vote.
    MAC N CHEESE- hero status. the best food in the world. it’s always such a great joy to order or make mac n cheese. sooo many fun options of cheeses, mix of cheeses, or add ins like pesto or bacon. always really badass of an establishment that lets you have mac and cheese as a side option. ordering the dish is an adventure, like how creamy and amazing will it be.

    Salad Bar- i wish i had known about this sooner because i would’ve done everything i could to get chips and salsa outta here. not interested at all. Salad bar is king. There’s a place i’ve been called Sweet Tomato and it’s the best salad bar. everything. yum blue cheese dressing or ranch or even a clear dressing too. i like the idea of mixing and matching and having a ball. hands down. onions!

    1. My brother’s wife told me about Sweet Tomatoes, and I immediately would have bet there was no way it was a real place. And then I went there, and you’re totally right. That Salad Bar was the shit.

  9. Fries. Shoestring, steak, waffle, curly, it doesn’t matter. They’re always delicious. Mac N Cheese, come on, what are we six? They still sell Spongebob shaped Easy Mac noodles, I don’t support that and neither should you.

    Chips and Salsa. Usually free. Sometimes Delicious. Salad Bars are gross. One time my sister saw a bunch of bugs crawling around in one of the lettuce containers. Don’t want that.

    1. What about a big bowl of Chips and Dips with bugs crawling all over it? It’s not fair for you to judge average Chips against the worst case scenario Salad Bar. Your votes can stand if you want, but I would advise you to be fair in your comparisons.

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