Ladies and gentlemen, we have finally made it. The time has come for all of us to look deep within ourselves and choose our champion, the world’s greatest Side Dish.
But before we get to that, I want to take a little time to give a shout out to some of the Side Dishes we may have lost too soon.
Fried Cheeses, your crispy exterior and gooey interior are way stronger than your first round defeat deserved.
Non-Fried Taters, you had the misfortune of going up against Fries in the second round. But for that, we might still be discussing you.
Rice, a lot of us still have no idea how you lost to Soup. You just didn’t show up to play. The talent was there, but you just put up shit numbers.
Jello Salad, you were goddamn lucky to have even been involved.
All the rest of you, you finished about where you were supposed to.
Alright, now that this In Memorium section has been taken care of, let’s get on to the finals…
Something very interesting happened here. For the first time in this bracket, both contests came down to a tie. It was completely even, across the board. And, as such, for the first time, I was compelled to cast a vote.
Some of you (Fries and Chips Supporters, I suspect) may think that that’s not fair, and my response to that is that you should go fuck yourself. I’ve sat idly by and watched some of my darlings go down, when I could have easily cheated to save them. I didn’t cheat, because it’s against the spirit of the thing. The Selection Committee has been nothing if not fair.
Since it came down to me to cast the deciding votes in these contests, I feel compelled to provide a little Reasoning for my Seasoning, and in doing so, hope to make strong cases for why either of these contenders deserve to win it all.
In the case of Fries vs. Mac & Cheese, I had to choose Mac. It would be dishonest of me to say that my vote had nothing to do with the fact that I’m a little over the Reign of Fries. Fries walks around like the king of the world, thinking that nothing can knock it of its throne, and in doing so gets weak. Fries rests on its laurels while hungry upstarts like Mac & Cheese show up day after day, hitting the gym and growing stronger.
I sat down and thought it over, and in almost every situation, I would take Mac over Fries. The only concrete advantage that Fries has is that it is a thing that can be dipped, and I am a fan of dipping. That being said, Mac & Cheese can itself become a dip, which helps make this point a bit closer to moot.
Here’s another issue: when faced with ordering Fries, you have so many options, which can lead to buyer’s remorse. I ordered the Curly Fries, but maybe I should have ordered the Waffles. I bet those Waffles are really good. Fuck. I blew it.
These thoughts can dance through your head and ruin your enjoyment of your otherwise-fine Curls. You never have this sort of an issue with Mac & Cheese. You order it, you know what you’re getting, and you’re damn glad to be getting it.
Now, as for the Seasoning behind the Chips vs. Salad Bar battle, that was a much simpler one to put to bed.
I know there are some strong Chips fans out there, and I mean them no disrespect when I say this, but to me, this was a blowout. While Chips is definitely the strongest contender to come out of its initial section of the bracket, it is no match for Salad Bar.
Salad Bar is a celebration of individuality. Going to the Salad Bar is a self-directed experience, and it is entirely up to you if you’re going to pile up on Vegetables and a Responsible Dressing, or if you’re going to grab yourself a plate of half-Cottage Cheese, half-Pudding.
Salad Bar is about freedom, it’s about adulthood. Conversely, Chips and Salsa are great and all, but they are just what they are. They aren’t an experience, they ask nothing of you, they just show up and you eat them. While, in theory, there’s nothing wrong with that, when such a Side Dish is up against a Side Dish that is so much more engaging, there’s just no hope.
And there you have it, the Reasoning for my Final Seasoning. I know some feathers are going to be ruffled, but life moves onward, and the time is now to get to voting.
Who’s going to take this thing down: Sexy Ass Salad Bar or Magnificent & Charismatic Mac & Cheese? Only you can decide. Get to voting!