Twitter Will Save Us

I would like to congratulate Twitter for finally finding a way to completely cut through the bullshit of the Social Media Age. Many thought that the site would just turn into yet another way for “Millenials” to detach while staying technically connected, but oh, were they ever wrong.

At its core, Twitter serves one single function: you write short funny or informative blurbs, and if people like what you have to offer, they follow you. That is it. Sure, there is a way to send messages, but having that functionality is like having a Taco Bell having a healthy “Fresco Menu.” That’s not why anyone’s there.

As long as Twitter’s been around, the game has been clear: try and get as many followers as you can. Keep your game tight, because if you slip, people are going to unfollow you, and you’ll never amass the army of followers you’re going to need to enter the world of Sponsored Tweeting, or force companies to bend to your will when you feel slighted. If you can’t do either of those things, what’s the fucking point?

Well, I just learned that Twitter allows you to “Mute” people. I suppose this is for people who Tweet incoherent nonsense, but maybe you work with them and you don’t want to rock the boat by unfollowing them. To me, this is amazing. Twitter has added a function that negates its entire reason for being, and the very basis of the “More Followers Equals More Influence” hierarchy paradigm.

Now, anyone’s number of followers has to come with an *, since who knows how many of them have you muted? I’m sure some of you will be quick to point out that muting can be used to temporarily ignore people while they live-Tweet the Kids Choice Awards or whatever, but for my money, this is something way bigger than that.

In one fell swoop, Twitter has demolished the barriers of insincerity in social media. Because of the existence of the reasonably “polite” option of muting someone and not unfollowing them, you now know that if someone unfollows you, the only reason they could possibly have is that they personally dislike you.

“I like this dude, but I can’t stand his posts. I don’t want to contribute to his follower count going down, so I guess I’ll just mute him.”


“Seriously, fuck this guy. His posts suck, he owes me fifty bucks, and last week he kicked my dog. I hope unfollowing him starts a revolution and he ends up with an audience of nothing but bots and camgirls.”

Watch your follower counts closely, children. From here on out, if someone unfollows you, it’s not just that they don’t like what you’re putting out there, they’re trying to say that they don’t like you. At all.

One thought on “Twitter Will Save Us”

  1. Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. If someone unfollows you and it gets you down, just convince yourself that they’re stupid and don’t know how to mute. ;)

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